Relationship "Issues" Part Two

Back in April, before I had the babies, I weighed in on an article/guest on the Oprah show. Ayelet Waldman had written an article about how she was "in love" with her husband and not her kids, and caught a lot of flack on Oprah about this. I argued, then, that I agreed with her, that it was important to love your children but to reserve the first place in your heart for your spouse. I am "in love" with my husband. I am also "in love" (and madly so) with these two little people who have come into our lives so miraculously. I haven't changed my mind, and I still basically agree with her, but my opinions (as I figured they would even when I wrote the initial blog post) have revised somewhat.

I still agree with her on that, for the most part. But I can definitely see now how much more complicated relationships become after babies. Andrew & I have been married and together for over 15 years now. I cannot imagine thinking any more highly of a person than I do him-- I love him like I love breathing. It's just as essential a part of me to be with him as it is to need food, or air. And I mean that, even when I get annoyed because he gets to sleep more than I do right now, and he has the luxury, when I'm up and feeding babies, of turning the baby monitor OFF. (the Bastard.) :)

I know a few couples whose marriage has tanked after having babies. Andrew argues that the marriage probably wasn't good before that, that the babies simply magnified the problems that were already there. That I also agree with. But even with our fabulous marriage, the one that friends say makes them want to vomit sometimes cause we seem so perfect, there are STRAINS. Like said "turning off the baby monitor". Or me being so freakin' emotional that I turn into super sensitive chick at the drop of a hat. I know he's been trying, walking on eggshells to keep from making me crazy. And I've been trying to not be pissed because he gets to sleep while I'm awake. Logically, there is no reason for us to both be up at 3 am; and since he also has to work a full time job (really, two of them right now with his military duties) he is working just as hard as I am.

So the theory that Waldeman puts out, "that you should your ardent attention to your husband, and not focus on your children as the "suns" in your universe" (I'm quoting myself, a summary of her words) is still correct, in my book, but so hard to do! These little lives we create, with their perfect little toes, and the trust and need and joy in their little eyes, are very hard to not focus on. When Andrew & I are each holding one baby, eating a bowl of ice cream, watching a good-bad movie (this week it was Reign of Fire-- entertaining, but not good) and the sum of our "grown-up touch" is basically legs wrapped around each other's, I can see how, for a while, there is a new "sun" in town. (Two of them). But like an exotic galaxy on Star Trek, there are three suns in my galaxy and while that means I don't get as much nice, dark, quiet moonlit sleep as I used to, I'm good with that for a while.

I'm content with a quiet snuggle while the babies sleep, with our romantic music being the snarfle of a baby wiggling in the crib, and the hubby going to get me cake donuts & a half-caff latte. That is, right now, the best ever kind of foreplay for our life.