Temporarily Single Girl's Guide to Dining Out Alone

Here's a tip on what to do if you decide, cause you're a liberated woman dammit, and can go out to a nice restaurant alone if you want, to treat yourself, and you find yourself seated next to a self-centered young woman and her remarkably tolerant male companion. As she chatters incessantly about her relationships with men other than her companion (who must be a masochist of some sort, and who, amazingly, still pays for the entire meal without even an offer from her to chip in), thirty minutes of "so then I'm like... and he's like... and then she goes.... whatever"-- you, who still must insist on enjoying your glass of Chianti, and Italian herbal soup and blue cheese salad with walnuts, you must not appear to eavesdrop on their inane and tedious and largely one-sided conversation as fodder to place later in your blog. Do not appear in the least bit interested. Heaven forbid your ears turn slightly towards the table as you write down the horrible conversation on your paper tablecloth. You must not let on that you want, desperately, and at a loss for the blog entry and future writing of evil dining-conversations you once heard, for said couple to either leave or spontaneously-self-combust. That, my gentle reader, would be unsociable, spinster-aunt-like thinking.

Instead, order that cappucino (which will come with a lovely froth and two entire biscottis just for you). Revel in the taped Sinatra-singing "whiskers on kittens" after they leave, yes. But do not throw your leftover crusty bread surreptiously at them in order to encourage said leaving any earlier. Also, don't watch the obviously gay but terrifyingly unfashionable couple in the booth across from you. They are cute, yes, and having a much more interesting conversation, but you mustn't stare at either couple. They will notice you, a single (but not at all lonely) diner, if you do.

And remember to leave a fabulously generous tip. You did just make the day of the tired waitress who commented to a fellow waiter that she hadn't eaten since breakfast at 6 am (dear reader, it's now 3:00, poor waitress) by boosting the hell out of her add-on sales at the end of the day. But your over 20% tip will make her day's end even better and you can then go home and grade student papers with a good feeling in your heart, like the Grinch when he finally understood.

You. Rock. On. My. Friend.