Man-Hater (Don't Be A)

It may be hard to believe (/sarcasm) but when I was in college, at a very liberal small university in the Northwest, I once got tagged with the nickname (unbeknownst to me at the time) man-hater. It's a funny thing, really, because while I was very aggressive in classroom discussion, it wasn't particularly aimed at men. Just stupid people.

This happened around the time I was in a Post-Colonial lit class, taught by a woman who herself was pretty radical. We read some pretty radical books about oppression of various sorts from countries like Africa, India, the Caribbean. One of the books we read was a collection of stories by women writers in India, and in one of the stories, there was this beautiful but very poor Indian girl who was being given "gifts" by local older men-- it supposedly was to help her sick younger sister. But this girl's mother was worried... what would these gifts obligate the young girl for? It was a story about the dowry system, and the way the girl's virtue/virginity was her only real wealth. The fear her mother had was that the young, naive, beautiful girl would be required (because of these gifts) to "put out" eventually, and that would lead her to a life of prostitution and untouchable-like status. In the story, one of the men who was giving the young girl "gifts" was a doctor.

This guy in the class insisted the teacher was making too much of the story. He said "But this guy's a doctor; he wouldn't risk his livelihood on something like that." Which to me was abso-fuckinglutely ridiculous. I raised my hand and smote the idiot. "Look, first of all, even in THIS country, where we have laws against it, doctors "risk their livelihood" for less (ever heard of Doctor Love?) Second, we're talking about India. You cannot apply the same standards & customs of the U.S. to a very different country, about which you know nothing." says I. Man he was such an idiot, and I know I was NOT kind or demure in my down-dressing of his stupidity.

I'm pretty sure that class, and perhaps even that moment, was what got me the label man-hater.

Look, at that point, it wasn't about him being male (although he had a sort of male-privilege, like white-privilege, that had made him never have to think about "the other side" in his privledged white-boy life). It was about him completely missing the point of the story, and completely missing what the teacher was saying. And he was just this arrogant, smug little blond fucker who wanted to argue with the teacher, as though he were the god of the world and his opinion was right above all others. And he was soooooo wrong.

So I smacked his ass down. Popped a cap in it, linguistically speaking.

About a year later, talking to one of the girls who had also been in that class, I learned that some of the people from that class (including this other guy who I'll bet was the one who began calling me Man-hater) used to call me that. She was telling me that I was different than she had thought-- we were getting to know each other better outside the classroom (I think we were having coffee because we were on a group project in another class.) I was surprised, and laughed, but a little non-plussed. Me? A man-hater? Hmmmmmmmmm. It bore thinking about.

I'll admit that I went through a period at that time of being really into goddess worship. I had read Barbara Walker's Women's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets and I felt pretty outraged and radical about the oppression of womyn by the patriarchy. But reallly, I was married to a wonderful man (a military guy, no less-- the fascist industrial-military complex was paying my tuition, and for me to get my teeth fixed, and for the cover-price of Walker's radical feminist text etc, etc.--for which I was and still am very grateful!)

I loved (still do) men!!

But I grew up so poor, and completely ignored by my own father, and had become aware of the (some say) 9 million European women who died in the witch burnings over the years. And I was a bit on the radically pissed off side. But not about men, in general, just about everything. You know how you are in college-- and if you don't then you missed out on a fun sort of passion. I will admit, I had some issues. I was also about 23 years old. That's when you're supposed to have issues.

I was feeling a bit pissed, to say the least.

But it wasn't actually about man-hating. It was more about woman loving. Putting value on a sex I had grown up being told was inferior, that I happened to be a member of. There is a bit of a difference, really. To value the feminine does NOT mean having to revile the masculine.* It's not a closed-system where if you pay attention to one sex, you're never going to have room in your life for the other. It's NOT about reversing existing inequalities to put "woman on top" and man scrubbing floors and taking little blue pills to make it through an empty, mindless day. It's about equality, fairness, and simply recognizing each gender's strengths, as well as weaknesses.

I laugh now. Man-hater. Oh boy far from it! In fact, in "gender tests" online, I often come up, based on my answers, as a man. I think it's because I am aggressive, I speak my mind, I don't mince words, I think about things other than so-called "feminine" issues (although I'm really into the feminine, too). I won't let someone cow me because they think they're right when I'm clearly the one who is actually right. :) Apparently, those traits in a young woman get you labeled man-hater.

It's not about hating men. It's about hating people who ignore all evidence that is slightly contrary to their narrow view of the world, evidence that there has been an imbalance that ought to be corrected, and that feminism is one place that the corrections are being actively sought.

In my mind, I hear my friend George teasing me "Don't be a hater, Kim" with a cute little mocking smile. This is the guy who once, without irony, said "I'm against closed-minded people no matter what they think!!" Hah!

Hate, like greed, is sometimes good. It fires the belly, puts passion in our dreams. It doesn't have to mean that you act on that hate, that you don't then put your self in their shoes, that you don't overcome that hate. You do. And then you work together to change things. Don't hate people, no, that's really unproductive. But to hate the system which runs people into the ground? Which supports a status-quo that gets fat off the work of others? To try, therefore, to dismantle such a corrupt system for the benefit of everyone? Yes. I'll take that label.

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*And don't bring up Andrea Dworkin, again, please. She didn't speak for everyone. And even she grew less pissed as the years went by. And Valerie Solanas? She was just nuts. But still, sort of cool. :)