Squatters

This might be news to you men out there-- but most women, when they encounter a public toilet seat, squat over the seat rather than sit down. They hover, so that their butts don't come into contact with the "germy" surface of the seat. It's something that was generally taught to them when they were little kids, and I think it's sort of like skiing-- if you don't learn to do it before you're 10, you might as well give it up. There's a trick to it of balancing your legs and holding yourself upright with your hands on the sides of the stall (which I'll get to in a moment.*) I myself could not describe this trick to you because I cannot do it. I am a sitter. I sit on public toilet seats-- have been doing it for 35 years (give or take the diaper time) and thus far have not encountered Ebola or anything life threatening (although there was that time in....) There have been many seats that I have not exactly wanted to spend a long time on, to perhaps bring home with me so that I could enjoy their fragrant beauty forever and ever. (This is one reason I do not like public "festivals" with their lovely port-o-potties). But I can't squat.

And, contrary to popular belief, it has not harmed me thus far. In fact, according to The Straight Dope website, there are many more things you ought to be worried about than sitting on a toilet seat.

But I was thinking about this the other day. Pregnant women spend an inordinate amount of time in public restrooms. Ask me where the bathrooms are, anyplace in the 3 mile radius (perhaps even extend it to five miles) and I can probably tell you.

The other day, I followed two women into the bathroom. We filed into our respective stalls, me in the third, and the two other ladies in one and two. Lady in stall 1 got down to her peeing business, just as soon as I did. You could hear the little chorus of pee striking the bowl. Lady in stall 2 took several minutes to line her seat with one of those paper liners, or perhaps toilet paper. I don't know, but she clearly did not start right away. I had my hands washed and was out of the bathroom before lady number 2 even started peeing, I think. BUT.

As she lined the toilet to make sure her pristine ass did not touch where someone else's bare ass had touched before, she hacked and coughed and wheezed. Clearly a smoker's cough.

Now let me explain why I found this amusing (probably not the right word-- ironic? sad? bizarre?). Not because I'm glad that this lady wasn't feeling great. But because, as a smoker, she participates in an activity (by choice, mind you. No matter what you say about addiction, at some point in your life you chose to light up those cigarettes for the first few times, prior to the addictive stage) in an activity that is virtually guaranteed to shorten her lifespan by 10-20%, cause heart disease, cancer, emphysema, asthma, early stroke, etc, etc. But, even though she participates in smoking, which has been proven to kill you in many ways if you do it long enough, she is afraid of touching her butt to a toilet seat. I don't know about you, but I don't think I've ever heard of someone dying from catching something on a toilet seat. (I am willing to admit there is a possibility that some clever researcher will find something. But you must admit that it's going to be a stretch. How many doctors do you see shaking their head over the body of someone who they've just "called" as dead saying "oh when will they learn not to sit on toilet seats?").

If you smoke, you might as well sit down on that toilet seat and relieve the pressure of that aching bladder faster. Don't bother spreading toilet paper all over the seat, don't bother with the squat. Just sit down. Enjoy the rest. Those of us who are not squatters will tell you that for the most part, the view from here is fine.

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*and since most of the germs in a public restroom are NOT limited to the seat, ladies, consider that you're putting your hands or bracing your arms on the walls of the stall. I'm betting those walls get cleaned even less frequently than the seat. Think about it. When you flush, these germs you're so worried about go flying everywhere with the force of the flush. So those walls you're trusting to hold you up while you squat are germy, too. And you probably hardly ever wash your forearms as you leave the bathroom, do you? And probably very skilled people don't touch anything, hovering with very strong quads over the seat. But I tell you, it is an un-necessary exertion. Just pee for goddess' sake!! Those of us waiting in line wish you'd hurry the hell up!!