First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage..... Sex AFTER the baby carriage

Sometimes, my Andrew will ask me if I ever thought about what it would be like one day to be married back before we met. He says on our first date (we went to the Olive Garden!) he looked at me chattering away about silliness and thought "what if this is the one?" I have to admit, I never really thought much about what life would be like one day when I was married. Part of this was that I didn't really expect to be married as young as I was-- I was only 23 when we married (he was 29). I figured, when I thought of it at all, that marriage was something far away in the future.

But that is one difference between Andrew & I-- he is a planner. He thinks hard about every significant purchase we make (I used to joke it took him 6 months to buy his TV set; how could I not be patient when he was deciding to marry me?) I am more of a "do it on faith" kind of gal. It's not that I don't think about the future, but I believe it will take care of itself as it goes. I don't mean that I won't take any steps to make things happen, but I don't fret about them before I do them. When it's time to do something, it will get done. But he's a planner, and that is wonderful. When we met, him a 27 year old military guy, he already had several thousand dollars put away in bonds for his future children's college fund. We used those a few years ago to buy our first rental property (which we still consider the college fund in action.) Most military guys will go out and use that bigger check to buy a fancy car, or a jet ski, or boat, or some big boy toy. No, Andrew drove a beat up rust-red pickup truck and put his money into practical places.

When we were dating, and I was a freshman in college, they had the Mel Gibson Hamlet for free showing on a big screen in the student union. I had really wanted to see the movie but hadn't had the money when it first came out, so I asked Andrew if he wanted to go, too. We got there, and the group of pals I hung out with in the cafeteria during the day were all there. We were about halfway into the movie when I realized Andrew was sick. He had a flu bug or something coming on, and was sitting very quietly trying to not let me realize he didn't feel well, prepared to sit out this movie I really wanted to see even though he felt terrible and couldn't understand half of what they were saying. I saw his pale, sweaty forehead and realized what was going on, and we left. His eyes when I said it was okay for us to go were so grateful and happy, and he took that as one early indicator that our relationship would be good-- I was willing to give up something I wanted for him, and he was willing to do the same. That's always a good indicator of a successful match-- if you will each give 150%, then no one ever feels screwed on the deal. (I eventually saw the movie on video anyway, with a well boyfriend, drinking pina coladas and lying on his couch at his condo which overlooked the bay and had a great sunset view.)

Nowadays we've been married almost 12 years and have been together 14 (give or take a bump or two in the middle of that first two years). When we were out with friends last night for the birthday of one member, and were ready to go home cause he was tired from a long day of work (eyelids drooping after a margarita, quieter than he usually is, sleepy boy at the end of the table) and I asked him to hold my little pregnancy "support donut cushion" while I "took a pit stop" before the drive home, smooching him as I handed the pillow to him, the folks at the table all said "awwwww". And at a recent other gathering of friends, as he sat behind me, hugging me and my big belly gently, chin resting on my shoulder, someone in the group said "how long have you guys been married?" with an incredulous look on their face. Apparently, we surprise people cause we still like each other in addition to the love married folks are supposed to have.

Yesterday on Oprah*, which I only watched for about 10 minutes while wrapping a birthday present, there was this lady arguing that it's important to put your spouse first, and love them romantically, while not letting all your love and attention go to your kids. She argued that you should love your children, but be IN LOVE with your spouse. That you should devote your ardent attention to him, and not focus on your children as the "suns" in your universe. Her essay is astounding, and exactly what I needed to read right now, because that is exactly how I feel. I also heard an interview on NPR not too long ago about this, about "Motherhood in the age of anxiety" which dealt with these exact same issues. I have a quote on my fridge that says

"the most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."-- Jill Churchill. Amen sister.

Granted, as a Mesopotamian mother goddess, right now, I'm not really all that interested in having sex. And he's been a total doll about not pressuring and making me feel guilty about it. But I do miss sex. A whole lot. I plan to be interested in it as soon as I am healed, and babies are sleeping contentedly in the other room. We have always called it, when the cat demanded our attention and it was focused, instead, on each other, "Planning a trip to Disneyworld." One day, we will take them to Disney. But before that, yes, there will be an awful lot of planning, which I will take an active role in. I think it's sad that so many women think that to be a good mother, they have to ONLY be a good mother. They said on the show "you have to nurture and love your children." Why do they not see that you have to nurture and love your spouse too? That his feelings are not to be of secondary importance? That other things (watching TV, reading your book, chatting on the phone with your girlfriends or mother about things the kids did today, soccer practice and mommy & me and shopping and keeping the kitchen floor clean enough to eat off of) are the real secondary things?

She was met with a lot of hostility with the idea. She wasn't saying to NOT love your kids, but to devote your attention also to your spouse (on the show it was husband, but it needs to be both partners.) If you do for each other, and let the small stuff slide, there should be so much more energy & love for everyone (including the kids) to go around. And the best thing you can teach your kids is what a loving, forgiving, and GIVING relationship looks like. I never really understood that when I was young; perhaps this is one reason why I didn't really think about what marriage would be like; I didn't really have any role models in my family of divorced folks. It was sad to see what some of the women on that Oprah were saying about their relationship with their husbands (one woman said she watched TV while having sex-- she was "fulfilling his needs" which I call bullshit--if you're nothing more than a place for him to fulfill his needs while you are not engaged, he could do just as well with a jar of vaseline and some internet porn). And then these folks wonder why their husband finds a relationship elsewhere. So I plan to make sure to make time for my husband even when I have two screaming babies to worry about, and he will be there to help. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

So this morning, waking up slowly to a re-set alarm clock, with the cat on the rug mewing questioningly to see if we were getting up, Andrew spooning** me while I held onto my "must have pregnancy pillow" in front, the fan above us gently sending down cool blasts of air, grackles and squirrels busy in the trees in our back yard, knocking acorns onto the roof, I thought about what I would have visualized if I had thought of marriage. It wouldn't have been romance, and roses and candlelight dinners. It wouldn't even have been diamonds and special gifts, or trips to faraway places (even though those have been a part of our life too). It would have been, had I been smart enough to know, slow mornings, a husband who loves me so much he can't keep his hands off of me even when I weigh more than he does with a big watermelon belly. Someone who does the dishes while I cook dinner, who takes the trash out and does his own laundry and only scowls a little at the mess I leave in the office. Someone who gets me ice cream at night (but saves the Chubby Hubby for himself, which I don't mind). My ideal marriage? The one I have.

And I can plan for the future. In addition to my visions of adorable squirmy babies in onesies giggling in their cribs as I walk in, kissing little heads that smell of baby powder and sour milky sweat, I also see bad days when we're all exhausted, babies are sick, and we fall into bed with nothing but sleep on our minds. I know that will happen. But I also know that there will be plenty of time to see Hamlet later. And that 30 minutes spent holding the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with will be more restful than a 30 minute nap. If there's a choice between the two, or between loving him and cleaning the kitchen, then I say hire a damn maid or leave the mess. I know some people will say that I can't say for sure what will happen because I haven't been there yet. But I can promise you now that whatever it takes, there will be time for sex, after the baby carriages and burp bibs. Because it is in my children's best interest to see a loving caring marriage, so that they can someday have one themselves. And as much as I hate the phrase, I would be a bad mother NOT to love my "baby daddy."

I will make my heart big enough for all of them. And we will plan the hell out of lots of trips to Disneyworld.

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*And I submit that this is one reason why Oprah totally rocks-- she talks about these things that especially women won't admit to, and hopefully makes them realize how screwed up their thinking is on stuff like this.

**And no, if you don't know what it is, spooning is not sex-- it's lying with your bodies together, nesting like two spoons. Dirty minds. :)