Scowly

I've been trying all day to avoid "crinkly forehead" syndrome because it's not attractive, and feels icky too. I had managed to, today, in many ways-- mostly because I've made a plan to go visit Beth & her little baby, who I've never gotten to meet since Beth & hubby were out of the state when baby was born. It seemed like a good idea to me! I am socializing, yes, but I haven't seen her in years!

So I just told Andrew, and he got that "disapproving" voice people sometimes get and scolded me that I should be working on the dissertation in my "downtime." Hmm. I guess of all the people who bug me about the writing, Andrew is the only one truly & totally allowed to do so. But I don't think he understands my feelings about this. Having screwed up this whole Fall semester because of the teaching, my plans are to buckle down come the end of the month when school is totally out, and then get back to work. Until then, I could do minor things-- BUT right now, I'm waiting to hear again from Dr. R about the changes I made last week to the proposal. So until I hear from her, I'm not really ready to do any more writing.

I think part of what bugs me about this is the sensation that people don't trust me. Fine. You get a phd and write your dissertation and you can tell me what my schedule ought to be. (I know that sounds spiteful & bitter. I'm feeling a little that way right this second.) Gentle reader, I'm venting.

So to be scolded when I am perfectly honestly going to work my butt off come the middle of December, and my truest intention will be to be done with a draft by the end of this coming summer, and I really know it will happen, then I feel a little crinkly fore-head-y about the scolding. a. I don't think I really deserve it and b. I forget what b was for. I had something for "b" for a second there and now I've forgotten it. So hence more vamp forehead action. Was b maybe that I feel it's unfair to scold me on this? I know he's got to be getting impatient-- but man oh man. I think people don't really understand that nagging me about this ONLY serves to make me feel defensive and cranky and puts my back up and my tendency to resist what everyone else tells me to do gets activated. Even when it's something I want and need to do. I have to then fight my scorpio nature and get over it, but it ISN'T HELPFUL PEOPLE!!

While I'm still teaching too much, I really really need time on the weekend for myself! Maybe Mr. Scoldypants is working and studying and being all good right now. But he doesn't have anything else on the side-- his whole job right now is being a student. Mine is being a teacher all friggin' week and I need some time to NOT do things, too. Am I justifying? Am I making excuses? Maybe. But I guess it's part of the difference between the way the two of us think about things. He has to constantly plan and putter, whereas I just get it all done in these massively productive bursts of energy. So just wait for the next burst, wouldja? And don't hassle me till the burst doesn't happen. Trust me when I promise it's coming.

Grrr. Argh. Again.